Practice Sexual Self-Awareness & Be Rewarded with Greater Sex

Sexual experiences are not created equally. One can have passionate sex, angry sex, break-up sex, loving sex, or a zillion other kinds of sex. 

And regardless of which kind you’re currently having, or wish to have in the future, there are certain things you can do to gain sexual self-awareness. 

This, in turn, will help you to have even better sex with your partner(s), and ultimately, get what you crave out of your lovemaking.

But let’s start with the basics…

What is Sexual Self-Awareness?

Sexual self-awareness, according to Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is “an ongoing, curious, and compassionate relationship between you and your sexual self.” 

And when you start to question and become mindful of your level of sexual self-awareness, you’ll begin to uncover:

• how things like shame or guilt have hindered you from embracing your sexual self
• what kind of sexual relationship you have with yourself
• how your sexual self aligns with who you are
• how comfortable or safe you feel to access the sexual part of yourself

How Does Sex Education Influence Our Sexual Self-Awareness?

Sexual education begins at home and or in the classroom. And it’s these two places, and societal beliefs, that strongly influence the way you might view sexuality today. 

For example: if you grew up in a very conservative household, you may have been taught that sex should be saved for marriage. Or perhaps society made you believe that your body type wasn’t deemed sexy enough for sexual self-confidence.

These kinds of conditions have the power to incur feelings of shame or blame when it comes to exploring and embracing your sexuality. It also creates a barrier between you and your partner to talk about sex. The result? A dismal sex life. 

In fact, a study found that 60 percent of test subjects who did not feel comfortable talking about sex admitted to not knowing what their partner liked in bed. And 20 percent of test subjects showed that they themselves didn’t quite know what they liked or did not like, sexually. 

Oftentimes, this lack of sexual self-awareness, and negative feelings surrounding sex, is because of an inadequate level of sex education growing up. But this can change.

Getting Started with Sexual Self-Awareness

We have the power to rewire our thoughts, to learn, and to access new and exciting parts of ourselves. And when we do, we can create deeper and more meaningful relationships, sexually. Not only with ourselves, but also with our partners.

It’s a matter of shifting our thoughts from shame to self-compassion, and knowing that we have a voice. It’s obliterating the notion that there is a right or wrong way to do things, and removing the words “should” and “shouldn’t” from our vocabulary. 

What can you do today to start your journey towards sexual self-awareness? 

Try not to internalise external thoughts and behaviours surrounding sex. Intimacy isn’t always like what we see in romantic comedies, and it’s certainly not always what we see in porn. It also may not be what our parents or teachers taught us. It’s something that needs to come from within. 

Remember to be gentle with yourself during this process, and understand that you have your whole life to work on your sexual self-awareness because we are continuously growing and changing… it does not happen overnight. 

Dig deep without shame or blame and ask yourself what you want when it comes to your relationship with your sexual self. After all, sex is one of the biggest pleasures in life.

Ask Yourself…

Why do I have sex? Is it because of an internal feeling of arousal, or is it simply a matter of external stimulation? The latter meaning a partner beginning to kiss your neck slowly, which you can admit feels good, and arousal begins, for example. 

Both of these scenarios could be true for you, depending on the circumstances. So, think about what it is that stirs up these internal feelings, and what external stimuli creates arousal. 

In this way, you can learn more about what situations make you feel good, and you can learn of possible triggers—what doesn’t feel good.

What turns me on? How does my body feel when I am aroused? Do I enjoy feeling aroused? How do I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically? It is possible to feel turned on physically but not turned on emotionally. Take note of when these incidents occur, and why that might be. 

Oftentimes, when you can acknowledge when you’re aroused, it can give you insight into why and what is making you aroused.

If your emotional, mental, and physical states aren’t aligning, try to incorporate mindfulness into your daily routine in a way that’s judgement-free. This will help you to be more centred, and to put focused on the now. 

You can do this by setting aside a few minutes a day, and taking note of all of your five senses. What do you hear, smell, taste? Is your breathing deep or shallow? What can you feel and see? This will help you to become more in-tune with your body.

How did I learn about sex? As mentioned, how you were taught to view sex often has a big impact on how you continue to view sex as an adult. 

And if your sex education was one filled with fear and shame, it’s your homework to change those negative feelings and thoughts by continuing your own sex education. 

Read, write, watch, and listen to sex-positive outlets like podcasts, softcore porn, scientific sexual journals and studies, consult sex therapists, talk to your friends who are sexually open and positive. The channels and opportunities to grow sexually are seemingly endless.

Ask, Answer, Listen & Evolve

When you’ve taken the time to listen to yourself without shame or external influences, and begin to answer important questions about your sexuality, thoughts and behaviours, you’ll be able to strengthen your connection with your sexual self, and enter deeper levels of sexual introspection.

For example, you may have realised that you really don’t like a certain aspect of sex, which could lead you to question why that may be. Or, maybe you’ve picked up on a sexual pattern you often follow that doesn’t actually serve you. 

Knowing these things will help you to change or evolve your sexual relationship with yourself and your partner. 

It will give you the power to know what you want and what you don’t want, which leads to setting healthy boundaries in life and in the bedroom, having more respect for ourselves, and picking more appropriate (sexual) partners.

A final thought? In a world that’s sex positive, full of sexual self-awareness, and without sexual shame, communication between partners, boundaries, and pleasure ensues. And with this, sexual satisfaction is absolutely inevitable.

Psst! Interested to learn more about facial expressions and body language? Have a peek at our recent blog, Does Married Sex Equal Boring Sex?