Being in a relationship is great, magical, firework-inducing, and life-changing. It can also be extremely difficult, challenging, and an opportunity to learn how to grow and compromise.
And so often, people jump into relationships before they’re mentally or spiritually ready. Others swing from one relationship to the next as a means to curb their loneliness or fear of being alone.
But if you truly want to be the best version of yourself, and share your life with someone, whether it’s for a few mere months or for the rest of your life, there are some important questions to ask yourself before starting a new relationship.
And by doing so, you may stop looking for love and acceptance as a means to feeling ‘whole’ and rather, feel a sense of completeness, and begin to extend the love that you have for yourself.
1. What Do I Want in This Relationship?
It’s dreamy to listen to our hearts when we’re overcome with enticing and lovely feelings (for another), but taking the time to listen to your head is equally as important. Think about what you want out of this looming relationship, and if it aligns with what you truly desire.
When you start dating without any goals or motives, it’s easy to get lost in lust and everyday drudgery. But setting a goal, such as always striving for peace or learning how to set healthy boundaries, will allow you to become mindful of them throughout your relationship.
If you know what you want beforehand, it’s a lot easier to accept the love we deserve, and to continue being true to ourselves.
Better yet, when you and your new partner have the same goals, or at least they are supportive of yours, you’ll be able to work together to achieve them. Or, at the very least, you’ll have someone on your side as you continue to grow.
2. Am I Dating Superficially?
You know the expression, “love at first sight”? Oftentimes, people are drawn to another simply because of their appearance. Many are intrigued by individuals they’re sexually attracted to, and this may lead them to enter a new relationship. Hard truth: looks fade, a good soul is forever.
By choosing to date the person who’s exceedingly attractive but with whom you simply cannot connect with on a deeper level will probably not end up being your soulmate.
A relationship thrives when there are similar interests, shared goals, compatibility, and stimulating conversation. This is like finding a best friend and your partner all in one.
3. How Does This Person Make Me Feel?
Whether you rely on a gut feeling, the 5 Love Languages, or any other measure, ask yourself how the person you’re thinking about dating, makes you feel.
This isn’t just about how you feel about them, it’s also about how they treat you. How much time and effort they’ve put into making you feel good, if they inspire you to be better, and how supportive they are.
Being in a relationship where a partner makes you feel guilty, shameful, insecure, or unworthy is an unhealthy relationship. At the same time, an equal partnership is important. Feeling like you’re being controlled is nowhere near what you’re worth.
4. How is Our Sexual Connection?
This point isn’t for everyone, but if you’re sexually active with the person you’re thinking about dating, how is the connection? And whether you’re currently intimate or not, are you two on the same page when it comes to sex?
For example: do you feel comfortable during, or talking about, intimacy? Do you enjoy their touch, embrace, and sexual energy? What are your sexual ideals and preferences and do they align with this person? And what do you want out of your trysts?
Perhaps you’re open-minded, and enjoy trying new things in bed or using sex toys to enhance your experience, yet your partner is quite conservative when it comes to the bedroom?
And when you two are together, does the intimacy feel natural and comfortable? Are you two both fully present, working together to create a passionate experience for both?
5. How Do They Fight?
It may sound strange, but think about how this person reacts when they’re angry, sad, anxious, or upset. Do they resort to any kind of violence around or with you? Do they say things out of emotion, hurting you in the process, only to (possibly) apologise later? These are all red flags.
But ultimately, you’ll have to ask yourself what kind of person you would like to be with when things get tough.
6. Do They Value Themselves?
Self-worth is a very attractive trait. Does the person you’re wanting to date value themselves and do things that actively contribute to their aspirations? Loving oneself is to do things that correlate with being one’s best self.
Do they find importance in the things that are meaningful and imperative to you, for example: exercising, setting and achieving goals, being active in the community, having friends or a close relationship with their family?
As a side note, it’s also important to gauge whether they value and respect other people too. Are they kind to your friends and family? Are they courteous to the waiting staff at a restaurant? And do they value you, as you are?
7. Do They Compromise?
A relationship effectively means removing the “I” and embracing the “we”.
If your new interest doesn’t do well with compromise, whether it’s something as small as giving you the chance to choose a film to watch, or something much bigger like taking a job across the country without talking with you first, these are all red flags.
A relationship is about compromise and understanding. During the good and bad days, working together as a team is the ideal outcome.
8. Are They Good For Me?
Just as we mentioned things like supporting each other’s goals, and having a connection that nurtures one another, ask yourself: “Is this person good for me?”
Here’s an example: Perhaps you’re on a weight loss journey, and this person has bad eating habits. Do they still support you during your journey? Or do they eat bad foods in front of you to tease you, or persuade you not to work out?
9. Do I See a Future With This Person?
Having fun in the present is fun, and mindfulness is a great tool to add to your life skills. But at some point, it’s important to think about the future and what you want it to look like.
This could be things like whether you want children or not, and whether you believe in marriage. It could also be assessing how this person behaves during the good times and the bad times, and if you think that being together means you’ll be able to solve anything that life throws at you.
More importantly, it’s experiencing feelings of contentment and happiness when you think about this person being in your life ‘forever’.
10. Do We Want the Same Things in Life?
What do you want in life? Do you want to climb that corporate ladder? Maybe you want to travel the world? Or possibly you’d like to be a stay-at-home partner, living a stable and comfortable life.
Now think about what this person wants out of life? Are they ambitious, like you? Are they adventurous, like you? Are you two compatible in the way you live your lives, and do you see yourself working together as a team while you both live your dream?
While these 10 questions are important to ask yourself before starting a new relationship, try not to spend too much time on them. We all have the power to be instinctive and to embrace our gut feelings. Try not to convince yourself that someone is good for you if you know, deep down, that they’re not. After all, being single can actually be pretty fabulous!
But if this person does seem to align with what you’re about, then go forth and have a fantastic experience with another human being. It’s lovely to be in love.
Psst! Have a peek at another of our recent blogs, Single & Fabulous! Why Being Single is Actually the Best!