Why Do We Have Sex with Our Exes?

FYI: It’s a lot more common than you think! 

Have you ever found yourself pining over your ex? Maybe you’re still getting over your break up, or perhaps you’re even repulsed by them, yet still you’re drawn to them in a strange way? Logically, that doesn’t really make sense, does it?

But actually, there are a few valid reasons why we’re often drawn to our exes. And even though most of us know it’s probably not a good idea, we kind of go forth and do it anyway. Why?

Why Do I Want to Have Sex with My Ex?

Ready for some hard truth bombs? Here are 6 reasons why you find yourself wanting to have sex with your ex…

1. Loneliness

Well, not always loneliness per se, it’s more so a feeling of missing that intimacy and physical touch that you once had. This is especially true for those who are newly single

It’s normal for us as human beings to want to feel close to someone, and to be desired. Touch is essential for our overall well being, and as you may very well know, sex has a bunch of mental and physical benefits that can make us feel happy and healthy. 

For example, it can reduce stress, aid in better sleep, and release a whole lot of powerful hormones that allow us to feel good. Like oxytocin, a hormone that is released when we’re physically intimate with someone. Oxytocin makes us feel loved, appreciated, and creates a bond with someone. 

So, when intimacy and physical touch is removed from our lives, we often feel lonely or crave the physical touch of someone… and sometimes, that person is an ex.

2. Closing a Chapter

Many of us crave closure, be it with friends, families, partners, or even situations. And when a relationship ends on a weird, unfinished note, we may seek ways in which to gain that closure. 

Sex with an ex, for example, is frequently used as a tool to gain closure. It could also be because of the age-old saying, “for old time’s sake”.

And even though the act of intimacy might just make things even more complimented than before, some actually do get the closure they need after they have breakup sex with their ex. 

The trick is to do some introspection, deciphering what kind of person you are emotionally. Do you feel that sex may help you close the chapter?  Or do you think it will confuse you further and/or make you feel more attached to your ex?

3. Re-Writing the Story

Breakups can be messy, heartbreaking, and cruel. But you know what they say: absence makes the heart grow fonder. When we break up with someone, time and space apart may lead us to believe that things weren’t as bad as we thought. 

We start to forget about the reasons why the breakup happened, and tend to remember all of the good things. We don’t want to remember the pain and suffering, and would rather seek a long or short-term fix. This is absolutely normal in the breakup grieving process. 

But when our minds are tricked, we believe that we can rewrite the story. So, instead of ending on a bad note,  and having to either be alone or look for a new partner, we want to make things work with an ex. Or, at the very least engage in intimacy to see where things go. 

This is rarely recommended, and could lead to way worse heartbreak and even longer healing.

4. Fear of Moving On

After spending a good portion of your time with, and energy on, someone, it may seem impossible to imagine yourself with someone else. It may feel wrong or you may feel bad about it. 

Some may even start to fear the dating process, or the idea of being intimate with someone new. 

Additionally, by sleeping with your ex, you may just get that confidence boost you were looking for. You might feel desired and sexy, which could lead you to feeling more ready to date and be intimate with others. 

5. The Sex Was Just That Good!

There may have been tears, harsh words spoken, and seemingly endless arguments, but for some couples, sex was simply the best part of their relationship. 

Despite the chaos, intimacy has the power to keep you coming back (think: oxytocin). 

And if sex was the best or the only good part of your relationship, it seems fairly obvious to go back for one last hooray. We’re not here to judge, but we do recommend guarding your heart.

6. Sex as a Tool or Weapon

Another reason why we may have sex with an ex is because it can be used as a tool or a weapon to get them back. Perhaps the breakup was not your idea, and you’re still fully devoted and invested in making things work. 

In this way, sex can be initiated as a means to show your ex what they’ll be missing. Using the art of seduction, intimacy can encourage all of the feel-good hormones to resurface, creating a bond like you once had.

As we mentioned, sex is a powerful act that not only involves the body, but also the mind. And we all know it’s sex that often drives our motives and decisions.

At the end of the day, there are dozens of reasons why you may be craving sex with your ex. Each relationship is unique, and everyone processes and deals with things differently. 


But if you are contemplating being intimate with an ex, make sure to really think about it without your rose-coloured glasses. 


Remember the good times and the bad times, and why you broke up in the first place. Assess your emotional state, and how you believe sex would change or affect your emotions. 

The bottom line is that sex is extremely powerful, and many may not know how they’d react or feel after sleeping with their ex. So if you decide to proceed, do so with lots of self-love and caution.

Psst! Have a peek at another of our recent blogs, 8 Erotic Sex Toys for Men (& How to Make Your Own Male Masturbator at Home!)

Author: helena@heyimyourwriter.com

Helena is a sex-positive freelance copywriter in her early 30’s from Cape Town, South Africa. She’s travelled and lived in various countries in Asia and Europe for almost a decade and continues to live her dream — travelling the world independently as a copywriter. Having written for various companies and magazines within the industry, she has extensive knowledge in the field of sexual health, the escort industry, and sex toy marketing.